Chapter 28

Christmas had come and gone again and a new year was started.  Things were getting really bad and one night in February things hit an all time low.  I won't go into specifics, that's not important, what is important is I finally realized that I couldn't continue to get hurt like this, and I found myself finally desperate enough to reach out for help.  I somehow found the courage to call Cathy and ask if I could come over to talk to her, she said fine and we set an evening.

That night when I arrived at the parsonage the Pastor was also there and the three of us sat around talking for a bit.  I think is was very obvious that I was nervous.  I knew I had to say something about why I was there...but I didn't know how to start.  I finally said that I needed to apologize for lying to him months earlier when I had told him I didn't want to have sex with Gary because I was tired.  The talk dwindled down to an uncomfortable silence.  Pastor looked at me and asked if I would like to speak to Cathy alone.  I said yes and he quickly left the room.

I looked at Cathy who was sitting on the couch on the other side of the room and I burst into tears.  I blurted out what Gary had done.  She was up off the couch and beside me in a flash.  The first thing she said was that she wanted to tell me to kill him but she didn't really think Pastor would agree!  She then said that I needed to tell Pastor what I had just told her.  I looked at her through my tears and said that there was no way I would be able to tell him what had happened.  She said with my permission she would go and tell him for me, but that he really needed know.  I nodded OK and she took off out of the room.

To tell you the truth, I know they both came back into the room within minutes but I can't remember anything that was said.  I was humiliated, ashamed, embarrassed, distressed, terrified all at the same time.  This was the first time I had ever spoken with anyone concerning the things Gary had been doing to me with the exception of the social workers at the shelter years before;  and things were definitely not even in the same category of abuse as they had been back then.

My cellphone eventually started ringing and it was Gary wanting me at home so I left.  But the measure of relief I felt from finely cracking open the door just a little into my nightmare was immense.  Nothing had been resolved, but someone now knew that things weren't as they should be.  And with that came a sense of protection that I had never felt before.

The next night was the annual business meeting at the church.  We always have a supper first followed by the meeting.  Gary and I were already sitting at a table by ourselves when the Pastor came and sat down on the other side of me.  He never said a word, just sat and ate his supper.  I've never mentioned it and neither as he so I don't know if it was intentional or not.  But what that did for me that night was indescribable.  I felt protected in a way I had never felt before and it gave me a boost of courage that I sorely needed to start standing up for myself.

After that night I came up with excuse after excuse to Gary as to why we couldn't have sex, I was determined that he was never going to touch me again.  The Parkinson's was making him shake more and I finally told him that I just couldn't sleep in the same bed any longer because the shaking was keeping me awake.  He was not happy with that statement at all and fought me about it, but this time I was determined.  I moved into the spare bedroom that Josiah used when he came home for visits.  I never slept with Gary or let him touch me in a sexual way ever again.  That final straw had found its way unto the camel's back!

I swore to myself that I would never sleep in that bed again.  That bed had been where the worst things that had ever happened to me were committed and I hated it.  It always reminded me of that movie "The Burning Bed".  To this day I sleep in Josiah's old bed and have no desire for a bigger bed or larger room - ever!

Chapter 29

By May of that year, 2007, the neuropathy in my legs had gotten a lot worse.  Falling had become more frequent.  The doctor decided to set up an appointment in Halifax for a test to determine how bad it was and how far it had spread.  Walking long distances was becoming harder because of the pain and I had no idea how far it would be from where I would have to park to the department where the test was to take place.  Knowing that having to use a wheelchair might be a possibility I knew someone would have to be with me, so Elizabeth came along.  This was on a Monday.

I'm sure this test is from the dark ages!  It could be used on prisoners of war with great success I'm sure.  I had to lay on a table and they proceeded to attach wires to my hands, legs and feet.  These wires would conduct electricity to certain nerves.  It was like getting electric shocks.  They just didn't do it one time per spot, but over and over until I felt my ankles, fingers etc were going to blow clear off my body!  After 1/2 hour of this torture I couldn't hold back the tears any longer.  When they were finished doing that they took a really long needle and proceeded to put it into various muscles in my legs and inner thighs.  They then "pinged" this needle back and forth so that my muscle would spasm while they watched it on a monitor!  By the time they were finished an hour later and I left the room I knew something was wrong.  I didn't feel right.

I looked at Elizabeth and said, "Get me out of here...now!"  I was shaking and my only thought was to get as far away from the hospital as fast as I could.

Once out of the city I called Alice on the cellphone.  I told her about the test and then told her that something wasn't right but I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong.

I got home but my mood started spiraling and by Wednesday I began to get suicidal.  Alice wasn't sure exactly what was going on, but she was calling me different times throughout each day to check on me.  Elizabeth was busy working both jobs and was hardly at home and Gary only paid attention to me when he wanted something so my condition went largely unnoticed.  Alice was the only person I was talking to at that point.  When mom would call I would pretend I was OK, after all, wasn't that what I was best at?

I had always kept up writing poetry.  I loved to write, but what happened with my writing took a bizarre turn.  Poems were coming out of me at such an incredible rate that by Friday I had written 40 of them.  There were times that I could hardly write fast enough, and I wasn't thinking about any of the words, they just came.  It was like it took on a life of its own!  I'd never written like this before and haven't since, it was a very strange occurrence!

By Friday Alice had gone from being concerned to downright alarmed.  All I was talking about was ending my life.  I didn't know what was happening to me, but everything that I had buried in the back of my mind for the last 19 years suddenly was flooding through me and I was overwhelmed with feelings of hopelessness, loneliness, pain and pure terror.  I was panicked to the point that I could hardly think and I just wanted it all to stop and I didn't care how.

I gathered sleeping pills, morphine and muscle relaxants and a glass of water and went in to where the computer was and shut the door.  Then the phone rang.

Alice had hung up from me and called Pastor.  He didn't know what was wrong at that point just that I was in a really bad place.  He talked and I listened, not really doing more than answering a few questions very briefly.  I think he knew me well enough at this point to know that if he asked me to do something and I said yes, that I would do it.  So he asked me to do 2 things for him.  The first one was to read Acts 27.  Its the account from the Apostle Paul about him being shipwrecked by a storm called Euroclydon.  He told me to find out where in the storm I was.  I said I would.  He then asked if I had been doing any writing and I said yes.  He asked if I would let him read what I had written and again I agreed.  We hung up with me having promised to do 2 things. 

The first thing I did was to read the passage from the Bible.  The only thing that stood out to me was the end of verse 20 where it said, "...all hope that we should be saved was then taken away."  I thought to myself, that's where I am, tossed and no hope.  I closed the Bible.  Feeling cut to the core I went to bed and cried myself to sleep.

The next day I took the poems and typed them.  Here's just a few of them.

I've become shipwrecked
Tossed up by the sea
I'm deserted by all,
No one's looking for me.
I have no provisions,
Everything was lost;
There will be no rescue,
For its to high of a cost.
For I am empty and useless,
And undesirable too;
There's no one to miss me,
They've all something else to do.
I've become shipwrecked,
Tossed up by the sea;
There's no one to care,
No one's looking for me.

`````````````````````

I'm sinking in the quicksand
Of my shattered life;
I feel the tug downward,
It cuts like a knife.
My blood is seeping out,
It mixes with the sand,
And I feel a stinging blow
From Satan's powerful hand.
The pressure is so great,
That I can't expand my lungs;
And my feeble cry for help,
Is lost on my tongue.
My strength is quickly fading,
I can't hold up my head,
And I know that tomorrow
Will find me stone cold dead.

```````````````````````

I need to protect my heart,
It can't break anymore,
I need to wrap it carefully
And fasten tight the door.
I can't put it together again,
I have no strength to try;
Its dents and cracks are spreading,
With each tear that I cry.
But I can't stop them from coming,
They have a will of their own,
I know they will only stop,
When my names carved on a stone.
Life has lost all meaning,
I'm empty on the inside,
There is no peace to be found,
I want to curl up and die.
But a place to die can't be found,
So I'm battered day and night,
This empty shell of a person,
Cannot keep up the fight.
I want to stop and rest,
And let the world go on,
I wait and wait and wait,
For even a flicker of a song.
But everything is quiet,
God has shut me out;
And I'm on my own again,
With fear, pain and doubt.

````````````````````````

Life is in a turmoil,
And there's no sense to it;
Everything is falling apart,
Everything is blown to bits.
Demon's prowl at my windows,
And Satan's breaking down the door;
My heart is overwhelmed,
I can't take anymore.

`````````````````````````

Why does love seem like hate
And care hurt so much?
Why can I feel no peace,
Only sorrow at Your touch?
When will You look at me,
And feel compassion for my soul?
When will You pick me up,
And make me complete and whole?
When will I be accepted,
And not disgust You so much?
When will I feel gentleness,
And not harshness at Your touch?

```````````````````````````

I'm ugly and empty,
There's nothing left,
I can only look forward,
To something called death.
A state where there's
No hateful life,
Where there is no
Sorrow and strife.
There people can't turn
And look with contempt,
And figure they know
How my days are spent.
I'm ugly and empty,
My hearts like lead,
So I guess that means,
I'm already dead.

```````````````````````````

There were 40 poems like this!  Today I love these poems because they remind me of where I was and how far I've come.  I put them in a file and put them aside to give to the Pastor the next day.

Chapter 30

After church the following day I didn't want to talk to the Pastor, so I left the piano (I was still doing what was expected of me!) and gave the file of poems to his oldest son, told him they were private and asked him to give them to his father.  Seeing him walk towards his dad with them and feeling like I had fulfilled my promise, I went home.

When we got to church that night Pastor met us and asked to see both Gary and I in the "Situation Room".  I got a chilling feeling that things were not going to go well.

He spoke to Gary first asking how he was doing and then he said that we had been going through a rough time and he thought some counselling might be in order.  He thought it would be a good idea to talk about some poems I had recently written.

My head whipped up and I looked at him in alarm!  He couldn't be serious, I started to panic.  He then asked Gary if he could speak to me alone for a couple of minutes.  Gary left and he turned to me.

I didn't want to look at him and I started having trouble breathing.  He told me to look at him and then started to talk about the poems.  My thoughts were so panicked and muddled I found it hard to take in what he was telling me.  He told me that poetry that starts on a downward note most always goes up in tone by the end...my poems on the other hand just kept going further down.  I remember him repeatedly telling me to look at him, which I was having a very hard time doing.  He mentioned suicide and then made me look at a flower arrangement that I had made for that room, telling me that I had many talents and gifts to be shared.  He then told me to listen closely to his sermon that night, and that no, he had not written it that afternoon, but weeks before.  He let me go.  I went to another lady and asked her to fill in for me at the piano for the service and then went into the Ladies Parlor at the back of the church and sat down shaking.

Alice came back and sat with me holding my hand throughout the whole meeting.  She told me later that she felt if she let go I'd leave...and I would have too.

Pastor started preaching and before long was talking about suicide!  I thought he had added that for my benefit and got even more upset. (A few months later I would come across that message to file in the office and upon reading it I was to find everything there that he spoke about that night). 

After the service I found someone to take Gary home and I left in a hurry.  I went down to the Lighthouse.  For as long as I can remember I have loved to sit by the water, watching and listening to the waves.  It has always been a peaceful calming place for me...but not tonight.

The tide was out when I got there and the sun was low in the sky.  I went as far out on the rocks as I could and sat down intending to just wait for the tide to come back in and end it all.  My heart was broken and it felt as if my soul was in a millions pieces.  The feelings of loneliness, hopelessness, fear and confusion were so strong that I felt I was incapable of thought.  It had gotten dark by the time another car pulled in beside the van in the parking lot.  It was filled with young people who came down onto the rocks!  I was so angry...why couldn't people just leave me alone so I could kill myself!  There was no way that I was going to be able to carry out my plan with these kids, who looked like they were settling in for a long stay.

When I got back to the van the cell was ringing and it was Gary, and he angrily told me to get home right away.  I hung up hardly able to breathe.  I started back to town.  By the hospital there is a row of huge tree's.  I pulled the van over on the side of the road and looked at them.  I undid my seat belt and aimed the van at the closest tree, took a deep breath and started to step on the gas.  Suddenly something Pastor had said in his message that night shot back into my head and I realized that God didn't want me to die.  I didn't want God mad at me for killing myself!  Wasn't there any solution for my problems?  I put my seat belt back on and went home.

However, before Pastor could start counselling with us, life took another unexpected turn.

Chapter 31

Elizabeth and I went out for some groceries.  While we were at the store we ran into a lady from the church and stopped to talk for a minute.  She asked how Gary was and I told her that I wasn't sure, there was something "off" but I didn't know what.

When Elizabeth and I got home about an hour later, we walked into the house and heard a funny noise.  I put the bags I was carrying in the kitchen and Elizabeth went back to the van for the rest.  I started down the hall hearing that noise again.  Upon entering the bedroom I found that Gary had broken the screen out of the window and was climbing out!

I got back to the door in time to drag Elizabeth in out of his reach.  He started yelling at me, while waving a bag that contained a jar of nutritional powder that he had been taking  He kept screaming that I wasn't going to get away with it.  He then got in the van and took off!

I started shaking and turned to find Elizabeth in the same condition.  At that exact moment the phone rang and it was a friend of Elizabeth's from church (the daughter of the woman we had just talked to at the store).  Elizabeth told Karen what had happened and Karen said that she would come right over.  I then took the phone and called our drug store.  I thought he might go there where he had this jar with him and I wanted to prepare them because I now knew he was having another breakdown.  One of the pharmacists actually went to the church.  I then called the RCMP and told them, I was very afraid of him causing an accident.

Karen arrived and said that her mom was at the parsonage.  The Pastor and another man from the church had taken off to see if they could find Gary.  Cathy wanted Karen to bring Elizabeth and I to the parsonage right away, they were afraid that Gary would come back to the house.

I sat on the couch at Cathy's not believing that this was happening again and tried to plan what to do next.  Pastor finally called with some news.  They had spotted our van in the parking lot of the RCMP headquarters.  Apparently Gary had shown up there accusing me of trying to kill him with this nutritional powder.  The RCMP knew immediately who he was because of my call.  They tried to calm him down and get him into the cruiser.  He started to fight them and ended up being put into handcuffs and leg shackles and put in the backseat of the car.  He then promptly kicked the back window out of the cruiser!  This was a man who at times could hardly move because of the Parkinson's...talk about adrenalin!  Pastor said that they were on their way to the hospital, but for me to stay where I was.

From what he told me later, when they walked into where Gary was being held, he immediately started yelling that the Pastor was a drug dealer!  Pastor turned and walked out.

When I found out that he was in the hospital and was going to be there awhile I had Karen take Elizabeth and I back home.  Soon after Bruce and Anne showed up to stay with us awhile.  They invited Elizabeth and I to come stay with them for a few days, but I just wanted to be at home.  Pastor showed up and gave us a brief update, prayed, then they all left.

That night when I went to bed I found I was really nervous for some reason and it was a relief when Elizabeth came and asked if she could sleep with me.  But neither of us got much sleep that night.  This was the first major breakdown that Elizabeth had witnessed and she was very shaken up.

The next afternoon I met Pastor at the hospital.  He hadn't wanted me to go alone and I didn't want Elizabeth there.  When we entered the Psych ward Gary was by the locked door.  When he saw us come in he backed away.  He thought that the Pastor was in cahoots with me in trying to kill him.  Pastor tried to talk to him.  Eventually Gary edged closer so that he could read the I.D. tag the Pastor was wearing.  It had his name and who he was on it.  Gary didn't believe that he was a pastor.  One of the nurses came over and handed me the bag containing the jar of powder.  It had been tested to make sure it was what I had said it was.  I needed to get out of there.  I got the Pastor attention and told him I needed to leave.  Karen's mother had come with me and was waiting outside the ward for us.  I collapsed into her arms sobbing.

That night after church I went home while Elizabeth went to the parsonage for Youth Group.  I decided to call the hospital for an update.  During the conversation with one of the nurses I learned that Gary was free to leave if he so desired!  A doctor had to examine him and certify that he had to remain there before they could keep him against his will.  He was just under observation and wasn't slated to be seen by a doctor for another day or two!!

I flew into a panic, what if he decided to come home?  I was scared to death of him now.  I called Cathy and told her what I had just been made aware of.  The Pastor came on the line and said that he wanted me to pack a bag for myself and Elizabeth, that we weren't going to stay there until Gary had been certified.  He and another man brought Elizabeth home and we moved out to Bruce and Anne's.  Elizabeth still wanted to sleep with me so we shared a room.

It was a couple of days before Gary was certified, but Elizabeth and I stayed with Bruce and Anne for nearly a week.  It felt good to be in a place where we were safe with someone caring for us.

Pastor and his family came for supper a couple of nights later.  After we had eaten the phone rang.  It was one of Gary's brothers.  He said that he had just talked to him on the phone and thought I should know what he was telling everyone.  Apparently Gary was saying that Pastor was not only a drug pusher but was also part of the Michigan Militia and was actively involved with me in planning his murder.  Pastor just laughed when I told him.  He turned to Cathy and said, "Well my resume is letting longer!"  It felt good to laugh about something.

A few days after I returned home a RCMP officer called just wanting to know if I was alright and telling me that if anything else happened not to hesitate to call.  That phone call blew me away.  Living in the city you would never have received a call like that, but small town living was so different.  I was glad we were here.

Chapter 32

In August Elizabeth graduated from high school and the church gave her a beautiful graduation celebration complete with a lovely diploma!  Many from the church were in attendance as well as my mom and other friends from the Valley.  It was a wonderful evening and I was so thankful for everything that had been done to ensure that it was an evening she would always treasure.

After this was over there wasn't anything to occupy my mind and things really started setting in on me.  I was trying to be the "good wife", so went to the hospital nearly every day.  I never knew what to expect.

Gary started trying to escape.  I'm not sure over the course of the 13 months that he spent in the Psych ward how many times the code would sound.  He was tackled by the elevators numerous times in his efforts to leave.  Many days the door to the ward was kept locked because of him.  One day I was getting ready to leave when he slipped me a piece of paper and told me it was his escape plan and to come back at 10:00pm to help him.  I gave the paper to one of the nurses on my way out.  Gary spotted me handing the paper to the nurse, he was not impressed with that act of betrayal.

He took to calling me 9 or 10 times a day, and after a while I stopped answering the phone when I saw the number displayed.

I started having very disturbing nightmares and would just start shaking at times during the day.  My depression worsened and I began experiencing flashbacks to the abuse.  I was in desperate need of help.  I was diagnosed with PTSD and started counseling at the women's center in town.  I was also talking with the Pastor some and he was encouraging me to use my writing again as an outlet, putting on paper what had happened, so I started.  I began seeing a therapist at the hospital as well.

During one of my counseling sessions at the women's center the counselor I was seeing told me that she had worked for more than 20 years all over Nova Scotia and New Brunswick.  She said in all those years she had never met anyone who had gone through abuse to the extent I had.  She suggested to me to "make the house mine."  To go room by room removing all reminders of Gary and make the house of true place of refuge for me.  This was a process that took two years to complete.  As each room was purged of his things and redecorated to suit me, I began to feel free.  Today each room is done to my likes and taste's, there are no reminders of Gary remaining...its my house, my space, my place of refuge and peace!

Going to the hospital to see the therapist was unsettling for me.  I was in the same area that Gary was and actually saw him a few times.  I didn't want to be there.  After only a few visits with this therapist I stopped going, it was just to much.  I did continue to go the women's center and Pastor though.

One day I came across a book entitled "Mending the Soul" by Mending the Soul Ministries.  I got the book and it was a great help to me in understanding what had happened.  They had check lists so that you could identify an abuser...Gary fit nearly everything that was listed!!  I wasn't crazy!  Other's like me had survived and were leading normal lives!  I started to feel for the first time a glimmer of hope that maybe this would be over someday.

I was still working at the church office.  One day I was there doing the filing, and as I sometimes did, I took some of the sermons to the couch and sat down to read them before putting them in the filing cabinet.  I felt really tired that day and was having a hard time concentrating when I received a text message from Josiah in Ontario.  We texted back and forth a few times and then that's all I remember.  What I'll tell you next is what I pieced together from what others said happened.

Josiah kept sending me text messages but I didn't respond.  He started getting worried about why he wasn't hearing from me so he finally called across the street to the parsonage.  Cathy told me later that when she is practicing for special music she doesn't answer the phone and if its a number she doesn't know she usually doesn't answer either. But that day despite practicing and not knowing the number she answered.  She sent someone over to check on me and they found me unresponsive.  An ambulance was called and I was taken to the hospital.  Elizabeth told me later that when she asked the Pastor how they got me down all the stairs from the office, he told her that it was probably something that was best not to tell me!  I can only imagine how they did it!

I woke up in the emergency room upset and disoriented.  My sugar level had spiked to the point that I lost consciousness.  Stress affects your sugar levels and I certainly did not have a stress-free life!  I looked up to see Alice, Elizabeth, Pastor and the couple that had been practicing with Cathy enter the room.  All I wanted to do was cry, I felt so upset by this whole thing and it had scared me terribly.  They didn't stay long and I was admitted for observation overnight.  Elizabeth and Cathy came in that evening for a short visit.  Elizabeth was going to spend the night with them and I felt relieved and grateful that she was being taken care of.

The next morning Pastor and Elizabeth came to pick me up and take me home.  When I was released I was instructed to have someone with me for the next couple of days and to try and take it easy.  I was tired and just wanted to sleep, you get no rest on those hard stretchers!  Pastor dropped us off and told me to get some sleep.  I decided to call mom and let her know I was home.  Alice had called and left a message on her answering machine the night before telling her what had happened.  I checked my messages first and found one from her saying she was really sick and going to the hospital.  I started to get uneasy, I had wondered why I hadn't heard from her the night before.  I called the house first and she didn't answer. I called the hospital nearest her house but they wouldn't give me any information except to tell me she wasn't there.  I started calling calling her friends but no one knew anything.  I got really scared.  I called Cathy to tell her that mom was sick and I couldn't find her anywhere.  She tried to calm me down but by then I was crying hard.  I was still very shaken over what had happened to me now mom was sick and missing!

I started getting beeps from calls being returned to me from mom's friends so I let Cathy go.  No one knew anything but one friend said that she would go to the hospitals in the area and try to find something out for me.  I hung up and waited.

After a bit I looked up and saw the Pastor walk back into the house.  Cathy had sent him back as soon as he had walked in their door, telling him to take away my keys if necessary.  She was afraid that I would just take off to the Valley and I was in no condition to drive.  While he was still here a call came that mom had been found in the Kentville hospital.  She had a tube down her throat and couldn't talk.  She was extremely sick, but they didn't know what was wrong yet.  They thought it might be her pancreas.  I was just so relieved that she had been found.  Mom's friend promised to call her pastor and friends so they would know what was going on.  I asked her to tell mom that I loved her.  I hung up the phone and started sobbing into my hands.  I couldn't take anymore.

Pastor stayed for a little while.  He asked if he needed to take my keys or it I would promise to stay put.  I promised him I would and he left...again.

Somehow I was able to get a good sleep that night.  Cathy called in the morning and was very happy to hear me sounding so much better, its amazing what sleep can do for a person!

A couple of days later Alice came with me and we went to the Valley to see mom.  She was shocked when we entered her hospital room, but it was great timing.  We were able to stay and take her home the next day.  She was weak and a little unsteady, but she was going to be OK!

Chapter 33

Gary was slowly losing the ability to move, feed himself and so on.  Soon he was in a wheelchair, but he was still not able to be moved from the Psych unit.  I went in one day and it was very obvious that he needed to be bathed.  So I got the needed supplies, clean pajama's and took him into the shower room.

It was just one small room with a hand held hose and a drain in the middle of the floor.  Trying to get him on his feet, undressed and showered was a big chore, considering he didn't want to be even washed!  Eventually one of the male nurses came in to help me.  When we finally got him back to his room I was soaked and exhausted!

Over the months there he needed his hair cut a few times.  I had always cut his hair at home but now Elizabeth wanted to try.  She thought she had done a good job until Gary turned away from me and I noticed a bald spot right in the middle of his head!  She put her hand over her mouth and looked horrified, I just chuckled.  He never found out and the next time she did a much better job.

Eventually he was not able to get out of bed and then he couldn't feed himself.  The nurses on that unit weren't use to dealing with physical problems and didn't have the time to feed him every meal.  So I started going in for both lunch and supper each day to feed him.  There were times he couldn't even chew.

Then one day I got a call and was told that he was in ambulatory care and not breathing very well.  A few days later he was moved to ICU because of blood clots that had developed in his lungs.  He was there for about a week.  I wasn't sure what was going on and why he was like this.  I finally was able to track a doctor down and get some answers.  Apparently he had been refusing to take his medication, not only the ones for his mental illness but also his Parkinson's pills.

An appointment was made with his neurologist in Halifax.  On that day he was taken to Halifax by ambulance and Alice and I met them at the hospital where he was to be seen.  One of the nurses from the Psych unit had gone along as well to talk to the doctor.  The neurologist was astonished to see him in the condition he was and as a result a much closer communication was set up between the psychiatrist and neurologist.  I started insisting each time I was there for him to take his pills, at times even becoming angry and pushy so that he would swallow them.  After a few weeks he was back on his feet and doing better.

Outwardly I was doing all the wifely duties, but inwardly I was becoming more bitter and angry about everything.  Two things were especially bothering me.  I was increasingly jealous watching husbands in church.  Their love for their wives was obvious.  I wanted to be cherished and cared for, and treated like I mattered to someone...it hurt.  The second thing bothering me was hearing people pray that Gary would be "Restored to his family"!  Well I didn't want him "restored" ever!  I didn't want him to come back, I knew that I could not go back to that life again.

Alice and I had many tearful discussions about this and she kept telling me that I needed to speak to the Pastor, but I didn't want to.  Despite how helpful he had been I was still uneasy around him.  But in the end I knew I had to.

We set up a time and I got very nervous.  When I pulled into the parking lot beside the parsonage that day I turned off the van and just sat there.  I wasn't sure if I really had the nerve to go in or if I was going to just go back home.  I made myself go in.

Pastor joked around for a few minutes, I knew he was trying to make me relax but it wasn't working.  I took a deep breath and just plunged in.  I didn't like to hear praying like that and I didn't want Gary to ever come home again.  He looked at me and half laughed and said that it sounded like I thought he would kill me.  I thought to myself, "If only you really knew!", but I said nothing.

He then said that this wasn't really the problem, that it went a lot deeper than this and that the root of the problem was probably quite a ways in the past!  He then looked at me and asked it we'd had improper relations before marriage!  I looked away and felt heat spreading like a wild-fire through me whole body...how did he know?  I didn't know what to say.  This was the one thing I had never told anyone, it felt like my heart was being ripped open.  I finally shook my head yes, then almost in a whisper I added, "It wasn't my choice."  I felt like I couldn't breathe...I had actually just told someone this awful secret that had been buried away so deep and had done so much damage to my soul.  He asked me if I had said no, and I said yes.

I remember him saying that he couldn't tell others what to pray, although from this time on I never heard Pastor pray that way ever again.  All I knew was that he hadn't dismissed me!  He hadn't waved me off as not being important...he had believed me.  He believed me and for the very first time I felt a crack start in that heavy burden of guilt that I had carried inside for so long.

Chapter 34

I needed to go to the emergency room and I was very very upset.  I had been having certain symptoms of something I wasn't quite sure of.  I had typed these symptoms into Google and what came up freaked me out.  Alice came with me and we had a long wait.  I told her what I thought it might be and she was shocked and didn't know what to say.

I finally saw the doctor and I was right...I had Genital Herpes!  Even though I had suspected it, it was a shock that shook me to my core.  Would this nightmare ever end!

I called Cathy and even though it was Kings Kids night she told me to come to the church.  When I got there and told her she said that I needed to talk to Pastor.  I just looked at her!  How in the world could I do that!  I thought that I had reached the point of the worst humiliation before, but this ripped that all to shreds.  I felt humiliated, ashamed, dirty, a level of shock I had never experienced before and a building wave of fury towards Gary.  He was the only one I had ever had sex with, it could be no one else!

I waited with Alice in the Ladies Parlor and finally the Pastor came in.  He looked at me and asked if I was OK, and I just mumbled no.  He proceeded to tell me that I had been on his mind that afternoon and he had stopped and spent some time praying for me.  I just looked at him.  Alice spoke up and said that we had been at the hospital all day.  The room got quiet and the Pastor again asked me if I was OK.  How could I possibly tell this man what the problem was.  After a few minutes of silence I whispered that I had Herpes.  He didn't hear what I had said and I had to repeat it...several times, until I said it loud enough for him to understand me.

He sat down and just looked at me.  I wanted to shrivel up and die.  Then he said, "I know why you are in this church."  I just looked at him expecting this real spiritual revelation.  "You are here so the rest of us can count our blessings!"  He started to slowly smile at me and I found myself starting to chuckle. He just shook his head at me.  Leave it to him to find a way to make me laugh when life was at its lowest.  But true to form I don't remember anything else he said.  When I left I felt a little more in control, but still at a loss as to what to do next.

However the binging and purging started up again with a vengeance.  I hated myself.  I wasn't only fat and ugly but now I had a "dirty" disease.  No one would ever want to come near me if they found out.  I felt like this must be how someone with leprosy felt and that I should yell, "Unclean, unclean," when I entered a room.

The doctor said that I had to tell Josiah and Elizabeth.  We had no idea when I had contracted it, but I remembered very specific things about Gary that went right back to when we first met.  Plus I'd had these symptoms on and off and gradually getting worse for years.

Gary needed to be tested so I had to go to his doctor and tell her what was going on.  Pastor went and saw Gary.  He didn't tell him what had taken place with me, just asked him some questions.  Sunday evening after church he took me into the back room.  He told me he had talked with Gary and he believed him when he said that he had never cheated on me.  However, before he met me he had been with prostitutes!  Pastor then looked at me and asked, "Are you sure it was Gary?"  I looked at him in astonishment.  Of course if was Gary, who else could it be?

Over the next couple of weeks he asked me that same question numerous times.  I was getting very distressed, why didn't he believe me?  Finally one night he looked at me and asked, "What about the man who molested you as a teenager?"  I then realized what the problem was and that there had been some miscommunication between us.  I explained that there hadn't been actual sex, just alot of touching and groping in private places with his hands.  I later looked up the word molest to make sure I wasn't using a wrong word to describe what had happened to me, and I wasn't.  I was relieved to have the questioning stop and know that he didn't think I was lying to him.

Pastor came with me to talk to Gary.  I wasn't just angry, I was seething!  It was a very uncomfortable hour.  I just sat there not wanting to even look at him.  The Pastor made some small talk and then said that I had something I needed to tell him.  I looked at him and told him bluntly that I had Genital Herpes and he had given it to me.  Gary said that was impossible and that I must have gotten it from someone else.  Again I had to state that he was the only one I had ever had sex with.  He replied that he didn't have it because he had no symptoms.  I muttered, "Well, aren't you lucky".  The Pastor gave me this look and I stopped talking.  We left not long afterward.  I started out but Gary called me back.  When I turned around he was right behind me and wrapped his arms around me.  I didn't want him to even touch me.  The anger was doing battle with the "good wife" inside me.  He started to cry and the Pastor patted him on the back and told him it was going to be alright.  That made me even angrier!  How dare he show any compassion to this person who had destroyed my life.  I wanted to go home and I wanted to go NOW.  I turned and walked out.