Friday, April 5, 2013

Chapter's 6 and 7

One day in the Spring of that year I realized that I might be pregnant!  I was terrified!  I kept waiting day after day for my period to come.  David knew that something was wrong and cornered me at work one day.  I finally told him what I feared.  I've been told in the past year that many people knew that something wasn't right and thought Gary was a little strange, but they didn't really know what to do.  David was at a loss, but he didn't know the whole story so didn't know what to tell me.  Thankfully a couple of days later I was able to tell him that it had been a false alarm.  I could see the concern in his eyes but I made myself turn and walk away.  I never talked to him again about Gary.

I became more anxious as the date of the wedding came closer.  I just wanted to get it over with, I was hoping that this terrible shame and guilt would just vanish.  Mom kept asking me if I was sure.  She wasn't happy with the whole thing and well I knew it!

Pam, my sister Laura and good friend Kari were going to stand with me.  Peter and Gary's two brother's were standing with him.

The day after I had handed out the wedding invitations at work various co-workers started showing up in my office telling me that they would be unable to attend the wedding.  I became uneasy wondering what was going on.  When I got home from work I went over to Pam's and found her in tears and Peter angry.  Before they could say anything it dawned on me what was happening.  We were getting married in the Valley at the church I had grown up attending.  That did not go over well at all with the Pastor.  He had forbidden any of the staff to attend and Peter and Pam were to have no part in it!  I became very upset...Peter had his hands full with both his wife and now me in hysterics!

I spent the night in tears.  The next morning I didn't go into work until after 10:00 am.  On the way I met the Pastor, he was coming to get me.  I was taken upstairs to a apartment which was above the print shop and placed in the middle of the room in front of all the senior staff.  Peter, Pam and Esther (David's mom) were also present.

I sat there and was lectured on how sinful I was for getting married in another church.  The Pastor believed that there was no other churches in the Maritimes that preached the truth!  I was then told in no uncertain terms that no one would be permitted to attend or have anything to do with my wedding.

After about 10 minutes of this listening to this lecture I was then asked if I had anything to say.  I don't know where I found the courage but I looked him straight in the eye and told him I didn't care in the least that he wouldn't be there.  I then stated that the only ones I cared to have come were Pam, Esther and David.  Then without waiting to be told I could leave, I got up and left.

I was shaking by the time I got to the bookroom.  I went over to the display of bulletins and got a box of wedding ones to replace the ones that I couldn't use anymore.  I went to my office and ignoring the work on my desk, spent the remainder of the morning typing up new bulletins omitting Peter and Pam as attendants.

David came in a couple of times wanting to know what in the world was going on.  He had seen the Pastor  coming in with me and knew I had disappeared with most of the staff, including his mom upstairs.  When I had finished the new bulletins I went with him into the staff room and told him what had happened.  He was furious and was on the verge of quitting.  After I had calmed him down, he assured me that no matter what anyone said to him, he would be at my wedding. I put in my two week notice that I would be quitting that day.

A little side-note here...on the day of the wedding Peter had to work.  When it became to late for him to get to the church, the Pastor gave him the rest of the day off!  David, Pam and Esther were all there!

                                                                 Chapter 7

October 5, wedding day.  I get very jealous when I hear women saying that their wedding day was the happiest day of their lives.  To me it meant the beginning of no return.  My Aunt Janet came into the bedroom that morning and helped me with my make-up.  I put on a smile and determined to keep it there all day.  I kept telling myself that this was the day I had been waiting for, the day when the guilt and shame could be erased.

I remember being at the back of the church waiting.  The door to the sanctuary was on the left and the door leading out of the church was on the right.  I wanted so much to go out the door on the right, but I felt I had no choice, this was God's will and I was doing the right thing...I thought!

The first person I saw when I started down the aisle was Pam.  She was near the back and in tears.  I had to shut my heart off to the emotions swirling about inside me.  Hearing the words, "I now pronounce you husband and wife", was like hearing jail doors clanging in my was now time to serve my sentence.  To some of you reading, this might sound overly dramatic, but it was the way I felt, divorce could not be an option, this was until death parted us;  and in the years to come that would become almost a daily prayer.  Despite my longings, that night did nothing to erase the guilt and shame that I had been carrying deep in my heart, and I cried myself to sleep.

We went around the Cabot Trail for our honeymoon.  You can be aware of things before you get married, but being with someone 24/7 makes things real.  Gary was a very selfish, critical person, not only with me but with whomever he was dealing with.  There was not one meal that he found to his liking and many of them were returned with nasty comments.  At the Canso Causeway I finally took exception to the way he treated the girl waiting on us.  After exploding at me in the middle of the restaurant, it was a very quiet trip back to Dartmouth!

It was during this quiet ride home that I was startled to realize that I loved his Camero...not him...and he sold it 11 months later!

A couple of weeks after getting home was Thanksgiving.  I had never prepared a turkey dinner before and was a little nervous about it.  Gary was a perfectionist and everything had to be just right...well...that didn't happen!  Never having cooked a turkey before I didn't know that you were not suppose to turn it over while cooking.  Gary liked the breast dry with a crispy skin, well that's not what he ended up with.  When I tried to take the turkey out of the roaster it fell apart.  The skin was saturated with the fat that it had been sitting in the last 1/2 of the cooking time.  To say he was not pleased would be an understatement.  While listening to him rant at what an idiot I was, I was trying to pick out some meat that would please him.  Being busy with that I didn't notice the gravy boil over and catch on fire!  To say the meal was a disaster can't come close.  He ended up going upstairs to eat his mother's meal while I cleaned up the mess and tried to salvage something from it for myself.  Needless to say I never turned a turkey over again!

1 comment:

  1. The bits about the way you felt on your wedding day and the turkey incident really touched me. Perhaps it's because I know the feeling of giving your all and still feeling like it is not good enough. Walking out of that feeling is one thing, erasing it from your memory is quite another!