Dedication, Acknowledgements, Forward and Preface

                                                                    Dedication

This book is dedicated to two very special people in my life, my children, Josiah and Elizabeth.  Thank you for giving a purpose to every day.  You were the reason to go on and my will to keep living.  Thankyou for your support with this book, I know it was not easy for you to read. I love you both so much and can't imagine a life without the two of you in it!

This is also dedicated to my very special friend and brother of the heart, David who passed away from cancer in 2012.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss you and wish I could pick up the phone and hear your voice, wisdom and wacky sense of humor.  Heaven is a brighter place because of your presence there.


                                                               Acknowledgments

Thanks must be given to a few people.  First my mom.  You have always believed in my ability to write and you've encouraged me in this pursuit since I was a little girl.  You were always there for me, even when you didn't know what was going on.  I love you very much!

Secondly, my Pastor.  You were the first to know the whole story.  You believed me and didn't turn me away.  You were there with help, encouragement, councel, acceptance and friendship these past 8 years.  You never pushed when I was so slow at understanding.  Thank you for your admonition to "Write what you know."

I also need to mention 3 very special ladies who have stood by me through the years, Pam, Jessie and Alice.  You three have been my lifeline, you have laughed and cried with me over the years...and yes, even kept me sane believe it or not!  From the bottom of my heart I thank you for your friendship and love.

And lastly, David and Edie.  With shock and tears you learned the truth of my life and came alongside with love and encouragement.  The help with proof-reading the book, computer "stuff" and just the ever present listening ear can never be repaid. 


FORWARD - Dr. Paul H. Parks (Senior Pastor of Chegoggin Baptist Church)  

"Life's journey is seldom a simple thing.  We are all by nature sinners in an imperfect world.  Sometimes that journey is full of pain and sorrow.  We often focus on the destination and not the journey itself.  The "miles between" are so vital and the things we learn through those miles can
be a help to others.

Psalms 84:6 "Who passing through the valley of Baca make it a well; the rain also filleth the pools."

Here in this book you will not find someone who made all the right decisions, who grants sage advice from an ivory tower...you will find a humble soul who through much struggle and difficult miles continues to grow and learn.  Her journey is not yet done and I know that her desire is that she would use her gifts, mistakes, and victories and experiences to help another soul who quite possibly is traversing a similar path.

Pain, difficulty and problems are universal, so I feel that this book can speak to a wide circle of people.  Please do not judge to harshly either her, her husband or her precious family, they are sinners who are struggling as we all are.  Each is a precious soul with their own journey and story, their own pain and struggles.  Her purpose is not to malign, or to lash out but to give perspective and solace.  We learn from the lives of others and we heal by the help we render.

Second Corinthians 1:3-4, "Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort;  who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted by God."

This volume is part of her healing.  Writing things out gives her a focus, and an opportunity to deal with things and examine them from another perspective.  She is an engaging author, the writing is simple, witty, and compelling and heart felt, filled with humor, sorrow and empathy.

This book will be able to be placed in the hands of Pastors and leaders that seek to understand something that seems so alien from them (Proverbs 20:5).  It will be able to be placed in the hands of those who may be living lives of quiet desperation in similar circumstances.  It will be able to be placed in the hands of the Christian who may be encouraged and directed in compassion and grace.  It may be placed in the hands of the lost soul seeking Christ.

May God bless you as you read this book.  Again I urge you to read it with compassion and understanding knowing that the author is not claiming to have "arrived" but is simply telling her side of the story in order to be a help to others who may be struggling."





                                                            Preface

It is not my desire to malign or bash my husband through the writing of this book.  My only desire is to provide help and encouragement to other women who find themselves in abusive relationships.

I am trying to do "Gary" (named changed) good and not evil for my remaining days on earth.  I don't want where once fear lived to be filled with bitterness and anger.  To be honest there are days when this is extremely difficult for me, but I press on.

Gary suffers from bi-polar.  There are many symptoms associated with this but the ones he displayed most were, depression, agitation, irritability, anxiety, panic attacks, insomnia, aggressiveness, unable to concentrate, impulsiveness, unpredictable mood swings, anger, inappropriate sexual activity, delusions and hallucinations.  He is also schizophrenic and developed psychotic depressions where he would lose contact with reality and he subsequently developed major problems working or being able to function socially.  On top of all this he also developed Parkinsons!  A normal homelife and relationships became difficult if not impossible.  Over the course of 22 years he also suffered 5 major breakdowns.

As you progress through my story you might find yourself as confused as I am at times wondering what was illness induced behavior and what wasn't.  I tried for years to understand this and it drove me to the point of desperation.  I honestly can't tell you and I try not to pick it apart anymore.  What happened just happened and it can't be changed and trying to figure it out is impossible, so I ask you not to get bogged down with it.

There are two groups of people I wish to address.  First, if you're being abused it is imperative that you find someone you can TRUST and that you TALK to them!  You will have feelings that they don't care at times, but realize that you are projecting your perceived worthlessness as coming from them!  Realize also that you are stronger than you think you are, you have survived to this point and there IS hope!  Don't rush the healing process.  It might take a long time to deal with certain issues and that's ok.  I'm still struggling with things from the past.  Even with writing this preface I realize that I'm still very angry about the past, I still have things I need to figure out and deal with;  its not a "snap the finger" fix.

The second group I with to say something to are the ones who will be approached by a hurting soul.  Not everyone approached is a pastor or someone trained to deal with abuse, so here are a couple of things to keep in mind.  First of all encourage them to seek help from a professional.  Most likely though, they will want to talk with you, someone they know and trust first.  Don't trivialize their experiences, feelings and fears.  These are traumatic events that will have a lifelong impact on them, your response will determine the amount of trust they will place in you.  It took a tremendous amount of courage for them to break the silence and come to you!  Let them set the pace for sharing, everyone deals with things in different ways and speeds.  It takes a long time to deal with certain issues and you might find yourself becoming frustrated with them.  Be patient and just be there.  They need to know that they can tell you anything without fear of judgement.  I need to state here that I am not a professional trained in dealing with abuse, I am a survivior and am just telling things from that side of the coin.

My actions would have been different in the past knowing what I do now.  During those years I didn't have the 20/20 vision that hindsight has afforded me today.  It's a scary thing to open up and share your deepest secrets and worst nightmare's, the fear of judgement and rejection is very real in my mind.

My prayer for you reading this book is that you will forget the author and concentrate on the message of hope and healing.