Chapter 15

The next few years saw both the kids in school.  I was always so relieved to have them both come home safe and sound at the end of every day.  I was still busy during the days with babysitting, piano students and of course Gary was home until around 4:00pm.  I treasured the evenings when the kids were in bed and I had a few hours to myself.

I had been writing poetry since I was 13 and found it a very relaxing hobby.  It had also become a means of expressing how I was feeling about things.  I had no fear of Gary finding anything I wrote because he never showed any interest in my writing.  In fact he was extremely jealous of any attention I got because of it.  When he was home I wasn't allowed to work on anything, be it poetry, crafts (which I loved), or to even sit and read a book.  These were all activities that took my attention off of him.  The tv was only allowed on when he wanted to watch something.  The kids could watch cartoons but I wasn't able to watch anything I wanted to, except at night when he was at work.

It seemed like most of my time was spent trying to solve problems before he even knew they existed.  Not being able to find his keys would send the house into a frenzy.  I always tried to be one step ahead to avoid any unnecessary problems.

I very much needed that time alone in the evenings.  When he would pull out of the yard I could feel the tension drain from my body, but I began dreading more and more his arrival back home.  Over time I began begging God to do something so he wouldn't come back.  Many times tears would come when he drove in the driveway instead of the police coming to tell me he was dead.  There didn't seem to be any release from hell, and I started to believe that God didn't love me.  If He loved me than why wouldn't He do anything to help me?

My weight also continued to spiral out of control.  I began receiving a lot of mean negative reactions from complete strangers.  The laughing, pointing and hurtful comments flung my way were preferable however to undesired attention from any man.  There was a feeling of comfort from being found repulsive to men.  There was a sick kind of safety in being fat and ugly.

The only lights in my life were my children.  I loved Josiah and Elizabeth with a fierce protectiveness.  They gave me a reason each day to go on, they gave my life a purpose and meaning.

I decided that I just couldn't spend another summer holiday with Gary's family in New Brunswick.  I wanted to go somewhere different, somewhere without his family!  I mentioned it to him and he said no, we could stay for free at his parents cottage.  We could go somewhere else if I paid for it myself.

So for the next year any money I got for my birthday, Christmas and so on I hid away.  I tried to save any extra I could from my babysitting money.  By the next summer I had managed to save enough to rent a cottage in Tatamagouche for 3 days!

I made 100 pairs of ear-rings out of little beach rocks and then drove the kids around Eastern Passage.  They went door to door and sold all 100 pairs for $1.00 each.  That gave me $100.00 extra.  I took them to the grocery store and let them buy as much junk food (Gummy Bears, Pop Tarts, Wagon Wheels, juice packs etc) that they wanted.  They were so excited, they never got treats like that!  I got them each a "noodle" for the water as well.

What a wonderful vacation we had!  They played for hours with little sand crabs on the beach and the 3 of us had so much fun in the warm water with the noodles.  Gary came down to the water once, but declared it to cold...it was the best vacation that I spent with my children!