Saturday, March 2, 2013

Chapter 42

After two weeks in the hospital I was finally home.  Mom immediately had a Life Line installed for me and the Meal's on Wheels and Home Care was started.  I'm ashamed to admit that I still didn't have the proper attitude concerning them for quite a while, especially the Home Care.  I didn't like people I didn't know in my home doing what I wanted to still be doing.  I'm a very private person and having strangers in my house felt like an intrusion.  I was still in my 40's, it wasn't fair!!  However as my neuropathy worsened I learned to be thankful that I had this extra help.

The Life Line proved to be a whole different can of worms!  One day I was in the shower and out of the blue a man's voice from the other side of the shower curtain asked me if I was OK!  I nearly died of fright!  The thought quickly shot through my mind that a murderer wouldn't ask if you were OK and then kill you!  It turned out to be the paramedic's;  I had tossed the Life Line over my shoulder when I had gotten into the shower and it had registered a fall and an alert had been sent.  Using the hidden key, they had come into the house.  Another time I was awakened in the middle of the night with the paramedic's standing over me, again asking if I was OK. I told them that if they hadn't given me a heart attack yet not to worry. To this day I can't figure out what had set it off that time.  I told them when they left that night that to save on gas they could just run across the street next time!

I was still seeing the pain specialist and was receiving regular needles in my back.  He also had started me on a pain medication called Gabapentin.  A few weeks after I got home from the hospital I noticed a rash on my arm, the next day it had spread.  The only thing new was the Gabapentin, so I called the pharmacist and told her what was happening.  She said that I was having an allergic reaction to the medication and I had to stop it right away.  I said OK and called the specialist's office.  He was on vacation, so I just started taking Tylenol for the pain.

Within a week I fell into a "depression" like I had never experienced before!  Along with it came anger, lots and lots of unexplained anger.  I started thinking that no one cared about me.  I didn't want to talk to or see anyone.  As the days went by it only got worse.  I couldn't even hide it from mom, it would have taken to much energy to do that.  I didn't even want to talk to her, but I knew if I didn't she would come down.  She knew something was horribly wrong but didn't know what or what to do.  I thought I was losing my mind and I was really scared.  I wanted to go to the doctor or the emergency room but I was terrified they would put me in the Psych unit, so I refused to seek help.

People would call and if it was anyone other than Alice or Anne (I knew they would come to the house if I didn't answer) I wouldn't pick up the phone.

Finally a week or so later everything came to a head.  Anne and another woman from the church came to visit me on a Saturday morning.  I knew that this was when visitation was done from the church and as soon as I heard the knock I flew into a rage.  They were coming only out of sense of duty, if they had really cared they would have come another day!  I didn't answer the door.  I had been keeping it locked so that no one could get in.  They knew I was home because of the van in the driveway and they began pounding on the door.  They then came around to the back of the house and tried to see in the windows.  I was sitting in the livingroom getting more angry by the minute.  I wanted privacy and they wouldn't leave me alone.  They went back to their car and called the Pastor, he told Anne to use the spare key I had given her a few months earlier and go in.  So in they came.  I was seething and shaking with fury...HOW DARE THEY!!!

I just glared at them when they came in and they said they had come for a visit.  I spit out that of course they had, it was visitation right.  They looked at me in shock  They spent a few minutes trying to talk to me but I just glared and refused to answer.  Anne got tears in her eyes and they left.  I burst out crying.  What in the world was wrong with me!  I suddenly was filled with overwhelming guilt and shame about what I had done and how I had treated them, I just didn't understand.  I thought I was going crazy.

By Monday I KNEW I needed help, so I made an appointment with the specialist I see for my diabetes, he was easy to talk to and I could get in to see him that day.

I burst into tears in his office and just sobbed.  I told him what had been happening.  He got up and came over and just hugged me!  That simple act of compassion did wonders for my aching heart.  I told him of my fear of being admitted to the Psych unit and he told me he wouldn't do that.  He took a bit of time checking things out, then came back in and told me that I was going through withdrawal from the Gabapentin!  I told him the pharmacist had said to stop it right away and that I had.  He just shook his head and said that this drug must be stopped gradually under medical supervision.  He said that normally in a situation like this the medication would be restarted and then gradually reduced, but in my case with the allergy I had developed I couldn't go back on it.  He said it sounded like the worse of it was over especially since I had finally realized I was in trouble and had come for help.  He would keep close tabs on me until I was myself again.  I was to call him each day.  I left feeling so much better.  I wasn't losing my mind, I felt so much relief to know there was a reason I was the way I was!

He also didn't agree with the doctor who had said that my kidney's had stopped because of the medication I was on for the bursitis.  Since my hip was paining quite bad again he started me back on those pills.  He told me what signs to watch for in case my kidney's stopped again.  They are still working fine today!

When I got home I called Anne and the other lady and apologized.  I refused to go to church for a while though and still didn't want many people around.  I didn't trust myself yet and was very much afraid of going off on someone again.  So I kept to myself for well over a month, immersing myself in can help heal the soul!  I would listen to Lynda Randle singing "Gonna Lift Up My Eyes" over and over.   My favorite Bible verse is Psalms 121:1, "I will lift up my eyes until the hills from whence cometh my help."  That month, as I continually lifted up my eyes to the Creator of my existence, I felt my soul slowly begin to heal.

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