Monday, March 25, 2013

Chapter 19

Gary decided that he wanted to build a deck onto the front of the house.  Having no money his dad bought all the lumber and other things needed and helped Gary build it.  His dad knew what he was doing having built their cottage in New Brunswick and many other things over the years.  I still have a beautiful dresser and a hutch for my desk he made me years ago that I treasure greatly.

Gary, as I stated in a previous chapter was an extreme perfectionist and during this building project treated his father horribly, always checking multiple times any measurements that were taken, ordering his dad around, yelling at him what to do and what he was doing wrong in the meanest of voice.  If his dad saw me he would just shake his head and give me this sweet smile.  I felt so badly for him.  I listened to this day after day.

One Saturday Gary lost it completely and started cursing and screaming at his poor dad.  Neighbors were watching and for the first time I saw tears in his dad's eyes.  I'd had enough.  I didn't care if the car didn't have my name on the registration or not.  I didn't bother getting anything from the house, I just grabbed my keys and left.

Josiah was doing volunteer work at a Seniors Home and Elizabeth was at a friends house.  I picked them both up and then just hit the highway.  The kids didn't say a word.  All I told them was I'd had enough and we were leaving.  For over an hour I drove up the Eastern Shore not even knowing where I was heading, just trying to get as far away as I could.  I was so upset.  Gary's dear father was the only ally I had in that family, I loved him dearly.  I couldn't bear to see and hear such cruel treatment of this dear man, especially by his son who was suppose to love him!

It was after 6:00pm when I finally pulled over and tried to pull my thoughts together and figure out what I was going to do.  I decided to go back to Cole Harbor Place where I knew social services had an office.  When I finally made it back it was closed like I had feared it would be.  The kids sat on a bench while I used a payphone.  I called the house and got the answering machine.  I left a message telling Gary that it was over, I was filing for a divorce Monday morning.  Jessie was out for the evening so I took the kids and went over to my friend Deb's house.  She told me that she had been aware for years that I was being abused and was glad I had finally left.  But she had company coming so I couldn't stay there.  I finally called mom and asked if we could stay with her for a few days until I could figure out what to do.  We got back in the car and headed to the Valley.

That night after everyone was sleeping and the adrenalin started to calm down I began to think.  I remembered what had happened to Elizabeth the last time I had left and the fear came back.  Would God punish me again?  Was there no way out of this mess?  As the night wore on my desperation deepened.  I realized that nothing was ever going to change.  I had "made my bed and had to lay in it".  I called Gary.

He cried and again I heard all the empty promises that he would change, things would be different...then I heard something new, something I would hear for years to come.  "I'll kill myself if you leave me".  To be honest I couldn't decide if I was happy to hear that statement or not.  I had prayed for years for God to take him so I could be free.  I know that sounds terrible..but let me be frank, you don't know what it was like to walk in my shoes!

I took the kids and returned home the next morning.  My mother was NOT happy with me.  She knew things weren't good but had no idea how bad they were.  I still had not told anyone what was really happening.  As I knew would happen, things went back to "normal" within a few days.

However a change had taken my mind.  I wasn't going to run again.  I realized that running wasn't going to change anything for me.  In my mind I had made a mistake years ago, and as much as I hated it, what was now happening was my fault.  I had given up waiting for God to intervene and rescue me and I knew there was no one else that could help me (or so I thought).  I resigned myself that come hell or high water, this was my life, my fate, my fault and I was going to have to see it through to the bitter end.  I never left again.

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