Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Chapter 25

Josiah had been able to come home that summer and before I knew it he was ready to head back for his second year of college.  Elizabeth had told me that she didn't want to go back into public school for grades 11 and 12 and had asked if she could be homeschooled again.  This time she was able to do much of the work independently, which was good because Gary was demanding more and more of my time.  I found her someone from the church who could help her with the math.  She also got a job at Sobey's and so in a very short time was an extremely busy young lady.

One day in September I realized that Gary wasn't acting right again and took him to the hospital.  He ended up being admitted to the Psych ward due to yet another breakdown.  This time he was in until just a few days before Christmas.  Many days I would go in and he would want nothing to do with me, other days I had to fight to leave;  I never knew until I got there which scenario was going to play out that day.  Pastor  told me to take that time and use it to relax and rest.  But I couldn't do that, in the back of my mind I knew that he was going to eventually come back home and everything would be the same or worse than it had been before.

Josiah came home for Christmas and so did Gary.  After Christmas just as I feared, things took another turn for the worse.  His paranoia got worse.  He was sure that I was constantly plotting against him.  Nights got even worse as I had dreaded as he attempted to "keep me in line".

I started trying to come up with excuses for not being able to have sex.  But it didn't work, it just made him angrier at me.  Then one Friday as I was trying to put together a lesson for Kings Kids at church that night (I helped Anne with the kiddies class), Gary started in at me again.  I tried to just ignore him and keep working on the lesson.  He finally handed me the phone and told me to call Pastor for him.  So I did.  If I had known what was going to happened I wouldn't have made that call.

I didn't say anything when he got to the house.  Gary however didn't waste any time.  He started off by telling the Pastor that I was not being a submissive wife, that I was withholding sex and that was a sin...on and on he went.  I sat there in mortified silence.  I could feel my face on fire and I just wanted the floor to open up and swallow me!  What could I say?  How could I say anything to this man who not only was a Pastor but practically a stranger to me?  Finally I just said, "I'm tired".  Gary didn't hear me but Pastor did.  He interrupted Gary and asked him if he had heard what I had just said.  He hadn't so Pastor asked me to repeat it, I did.  It wasn't the truth, but how could I tell what was really happening?  I don't remember much else about that visit.  Gary was calmer when the Pastor left, but nothing changed, at least not with Gary.

Unfortunately that day triggered an old problem to rear its ugly head again in my life.  When I had been molested as a teenager I had started binging and purging.  Its a disgusting illness and a few years later I had been able to stop.  Now all these years later it started again.  Its a horrible way to live.  The stress causes you to binge, the guilt causes you to purge.  It leaves you drained and tired all the time.  I tried to find some help online and actually found the courage to write to someone, but never heard back.  Again, I was alone with an overwhelming problem, and it was a problem that would be with me for the next number of years.

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