Thursday, March 14, 2013

Chapter 30

After church the following day I didn't want to talk to the Pastor, so I left the piano (I was still doing what was expected of me!) and gave the file of poems to his oldest son, told him they were private and asked him to give them to his father.  Seeing him walk towards his dad with them and feeling like I had fulfilled my promise, I went home.

When we got to church that night Pastor met us and asked to see both Gary and I in the "Situation Room".  I got a chilling feeling that things were not going to go well.

He spoke to Gary first asking how he was doing and then he said that we had been going through a rough time and he thought some counselling might be in order.  He thought it would be a good idea to talk about some poems I had recently written.

My head whipped up and I looked at him in alarm!  He couldn't be serious, I started to panic.  He then asked Gary if he could speak to me alone for a couple of minutes.  Gary left and he turned to me.

I didn't want to look at him and I started having trouble breathing.  He told me to look at him and then started to talk about the poems.  My thoughts were so panicked and muddled I found it hard to take in what he was telling me.  He told me that poetry that starts on a downward note most always goes up in tone by the poems on the other hand just kept going further down.  I remember him repeatedly telling me to look at him, which I was having a very hard time doing.  He mentioned suicide and then made me look at a flower arrangement that I had made for that room, telling me that I had many talents and gifts to be shared.  He then told me to listen closely to his sermon that night, and that no, he had not written it that afternoon, but weeks before.  He let me go.  I went to another lady and asked her to fill in for me at the piano for the service and then went into the Ladies Parlor at the back of the church and sat down shaking.

Alice came back and sat with me holding my hand throughout the whole meeting.  She told me later that she felt if she let go I'd leave...and I would have too.

Pastor started preaching and before long was talking about suicide!  I thought he had added that for my benefit and got even more upset. (A few months later I would come across that message to file in the office and upon reading it I was to find everything there that he spoke about that night). 

After the service I found someone to take Gary home and I left in a hurry.  I went down to the Lighthouse.  For as long as I can remember I have loved to sit by the water, watching and listening to the waves.  It has always been a peaceful calming place for me...but not tonight.

The tide was out when I got there and the sun was low in the sky.  I went as far out on the rocks as I could and sat down intending to just wait for the tide to come back in and end it all.  My heart was broken and it felt as if my soul was in a millions pieces.  The feelings of loneliness, hopelessness, fear and confusion were so strong that I felt I was incapable of thought.  It had gotten dark by the time another car pulled in beside the van in the parking lot.  It was filled with young people who came down onto the rocks!  I was so angry...why couldn't people just leave me alone so I could kill myself!  There was no way that I was going to be able to carry out my plan with these kids, who looked like they were settling in for a long stay.

When I got back to the van the cell was ringing and it was Gary, and he angrily told me to get home right away.  I hung up hardly able to breathe.  I started back to town.  By the hospital there is a row of huge tree's.  I pulled the van over on the side of the road and looked at them.  I undid my seat belt and aimed the van at the closest tree, took a deep breath and started to step on the gas.  Suddenly something Pastor had said in his message that night shot back into my head and I realized that God didn't want me to die.  I didn't want God mad at me for killing myself!  Wasn't there any solution for my problems?  I put my seat belt back on and went home.

However, before Pastor could start counselling with us, life took another unexpected turn.

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