Monday, March 18, 2013

Chapter 26

Weeks started to blur together.  Elizabeth was doing well with her school work.  She was still working at Sobey's but now had a second job at Bluenotes, she was very busy.

One day our van broke down and we needed to get it out to a mechanic that Bruce had recommended.  He lent us one of their vehicles in the meantime.  Gary refused to drive.  I could drive the van out, but then had no way home.  Pastor volunteered to drive our van with Gary while I drove Bruces' vehicle to bring us all back in.

We dropped the van off and Gary and the Pastor got in the vehicle that I was driving and we headed back to our place.  I'm not sure what was being talked about that lead to me saying that I could just push unpleasant things away and not think about them.  Pastor replied with, "You can only do that for so long."  The tone in his voice caused me to look at him in the rear view mirror.  He gave me this look that made me wonder if he knew something wasn't quite right with me.  It kind of shook me up, but his words stayed with me and I started to question my way of handling things.

One night I asked Gary for permission to go visit mom the next day.  She had not been well and I was worried about her.  He went ballistic on me.  I tried to leave the room but he blocked the door and then called the parsonage.  Cathy answered and Gary started ranting at her, I wasn't sure what he was saying I just knew that I needed help.  I knew I wouldn't be allowed to talk to her so I just yelled, "Cathy I need
help."  She hung up right away.  I tried to once again leave the room and was pushed hard into the wall.  I managed to get into the spare bedroom and just sat on the bed in the dark watching out the window for someone to come.

Thankfully within minutes a car pulled into the yard.  I got to the door and found both Pastor and the assistant Pastor.  I shook my head at them and said that he was in the livingroom and I wasn't sure what the problem was.

We all went into the livingroom and Gary started ranting again about me.  I tried at one point to say something but Pastor caught my eye and shook his head no, so I stayed quiet.  Gary was still ranting about how unsubmissive I was when Elizabeth come home from work.  She left the room crying and I went with her.  My poor little girl, I just hugged her.  I stayed with her until the Pastor's left.  Gary was a lot calmer and much to my surprise even apologized to both Elizabeth and I!

Cathy told me later that when the Pastor got home she mentioned to him that Gary sounded like he was bi-polar.  He told her that Gary had told him some time earlier that he was.  I hadn't been aware of that, but it made me feel better that someone kind of knew what was going on.

Gary wasn't coming out much to church as much anymore, but he was permitting me to go!  I had started picking up Alice and her kids since they didn't have a car.  One morning getting out of the van at church I fell.  Alice's son ran to get help.  I felt like such a fool.  It shook me up so much that I had a good cry on Alice's shoulder when I was helped into the church.  But it brought something that had been happening to the forefront of my mind.  My left foot had more and more been feeling like it was asleep.  It had that heavy numb feeling that makes you want to shake your foot to get the blood circulating and the feeling back, and it was paining at times as well.  I finally mentioned it one day at the doctors office.  I was told that I had the start of Diabetic Neuropathy.  This is a condition brought on by consistently high blood sugar over a period of time.  It causes the nerves to start to die in your extremities.  It usually starts in a foot.  Only 28% of diabetics get neuropathy and of those 28% only 8% get the disease with pain!  For some the neuropathy spreads quickly, for others it can be years, or it can even stall for a time.

It was very irritating to have my foot feeling like this, but over time I became accustomed to the numbness and for a while the pain didn't bother me to much.

It became increasingly harder to walk because you were never sure if your foot was flat on the ground.  Inside was OK most of the time, although I did fall occasionally, but it was outside where the ground is uneven that gave me the most trouble.  I began having to use a cane once in a while to keep my balance.  Over time the neuropathy started to spread and the pain started getting worse.  I was put on medication to help with the pain, but it didn't always work.  Nights seemed to be the worse, so sleep became even more fragmented for me.  Its hard to deal with stress when you don't have enough sleep!  Not enough sleep makes the stress worse, that raises your blood sugars more and in turn makes the neuropathy worse!  But I made the adjustments I could and tried to keep going.

It quickly spread to my right foot as well which started to cause problems playing the piano.  Not being able to feel where my foot was, it started falling off the peddle when I was playing at church.  I was horrified!  It always seemed to happen during the prayer time when I was suppose to be playing quietly, then...BANG, the peddle would spring back up.  I would get so flustered trying to look at my foot and get it back on the peddle.  And of course in the process of doing that I lost my place in the music and messed up the notes.  It made for some very trying times doing something I felt so nervous doing in the first place!  Alice started teasing me that they were to duct tape my foot to the peddle!  I do have to say, it made for some unforgettable moments!

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