I finally saw the doctor and I was right...I had Genital Herpes! Even though I had suspected it, it was a shock that shook me to my core. Would this nightmare ever end!
I called Cathy and even though it was Kings Kids night she told me to come to the church. When I got there and told her she said that I needed to talk to Pastor. I just looked at her! How in the world could I do that! I thought that I had reached the point of the worst humiliation before, but this ripped that all to shreds. I felt humiliated, ashamed, dirty, a level of shock I had never experienced before and a building wave of fury towards Gary. He was the only one I had ever had sex with, it could be no one else!
I waited with Alice in the Ladies Parlor and finally the Pastor came in. He looked at me and asked if I was OK, and I just mumbled no. He proceeded to tell me that I had been on his mind that afternoon and he had stopped and spent some time praying for me. I just looked at him. Alice spoke up and said that we had been at the hospital all day. The room got quiet and the Pastor again asked me if I was OK. How could I possibly tell this man what the problem was. After a few minutes of silence I whispered that I had Herpes. He didn't hear what I had said and I had to repeat it...several times, until I said it loud enough for him to understand me.
He sat down and just looked at me. I wanted to shrivel up and die. Then he said, "I know why you are in this church." I just looked at him expecting this real spiritual revelation. "You are here so the rest of us can count our blessings!" He started to slowly smile at me and I found myself starting to chuckle. He just shook his head at me. Leave it to him to find a way to make me laugh when life was at its lowest. But true to form I don't remember anything else he said. When I left I felt a little more in control, but still at a loss as to what to do next.
However the binging and purging started up again with a vengeance. I hated myself. I wasn't only fat and ugly but now I had a "dirty" disease. No one would ever want to come near me if they found out. I felt like this must be how someone with leprosy felt and that I should yell, "Unclean, unclean," when I entered a room.
The doctor said that I had to tell Josiah and Elizabeth. We had no idea when I had contracted it, but I remembered very specific things about Gary that went right back to when we first met. Plus I'd had these symptoms on and off and gradually getting worse for years.
Gary needed to be tested so I had to go to his doctor and tell her what was going on. Pastor went and saw Gary. He didn't tell him what had taken place with me, just asked him some questions. Sunday evening after church he took me into the back room. He told me he had talked with Gary and he believed him when he said that he had never cheated on me. However, before he met me he had been with prostitutes! Pastor then looked at me and asked, "Are you sure it was Gary?" I looked at him in astonishment. Of course if was Gary, who else could it be?
Over the next couple of weeks he asked me that same question numerous times. I was getting very distressed, why didn't he believe me? Finally one night he looked at me and asked, "What about the man who molested you as a teenager?" I then realized what the problem was and that there had been some miscommunication between us. I explained that there hadn't been actual sex, just alot of touching and groping in private places with his hands. I later looked up the word molest to make sure I wasn't using a wrong word to describe what had happened to me, and I wasn't. I was relieved to have the questioning stop and know that he didn't think I was lying to him.
Pastor came with me to talk to Gary. I wasn't just angry, I was seething! It was a very uncomfortable hour. I just sat there not wanting to even look at him. The Pastor made some small talk and then said that I had something I needed to tell him. I looked at him and told him bluntly that I had Genital Herpes and he had given it to me. Gary said that was impossible and that I must have gotten it from someone else. Again I had to state that he was the only one I had ever had sex with. He replied that he didn't have it because he had no symptoms. I muttered, "Well, aren't you lucky". The Pastor gave me this look and I stopped talking. We left not long afterward. I started out but Gary called me back. When I turned around he was right behind me and wrapped his arms around me. I didn't want him to even touch me. The anger was doing battle with the "good wife" inside me. He started to cry and the Pastor patted him on the back and told him it was going to be alright. That made me even angrier! How dare he show any compassion to this person who had destroyed my life. I wanted to go home and I wanted to go NOW. I turned and walked out.
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