Not long after I found myself at the emergency room again one night. On the way back to the van with Alice I had a small "accident" with a malfunctioning wheelchair. I ended up with a cast on my right arm and hurting my leg so that I had to use a wheelchair for a couple of weeks.
That Saturday was the annual Hillbilly BBQ at the church to celebrate Father's Day. I had been asked to write a poem for the festivities. I was picked up by some friends from the church. Everything was set up in the church parking lot and I was settled into the wheelchair under an umbrella out of the hot sun. The next thing I knew Gary was being seated next to me! I was shocked...and furious. How dare they bring him. No one had even told me! Cathy told me a month later that everyone could see the hatred and anger on my face.
After I read the poem, which was suppose to be funny, it was really quiet. I felt out of place and I just wanted to get out of there.
After the meal the women went into the parsonage to start cleaning up and the men all disappeared to play some games. I was left sitting in the parking lot with a couple of older ladies who were visiting with each other... and Gary. Later that night Josiah called the Pastor because of how upset I was. Pastor told him that even though I couldn't see him, he was keeping an eye on me. I didn't know this but I don't think it would have made any difference even if I had...I wanted to leave. Anne came by and I told her I needed to go home, so she and Bruce took me right away. They helped me into the house and when they left I burst out in gut-wrenching sobs for the longest time. I felt alone, not understood, forsaken by people I thought were my friends and I felt that I was at the end of my rope.
The next month was horrible. My depression got worse, I was binging and purging a lot. I wasn't sleeping. I not only felt forsaken by people but I felt forsaken by God. My anger at others started to include God as well. Why didn't He love me? I had tried to be a good wife, had done everything that had been asked of me...and more! I had tried to protect my children and raise them right. I had done everything in my power to see that they'd had a happy childhood. I had sacrificed everything for the sake of my family, why wasn't God happy with me? I became more miserable. I cried all the time.
I want to share with you some excerpts from an e-mail that I received during those weeks from the Pastor. I had talked with him some and felt more confused each time. So I had e-mailed him to clarify some things and this is part of his reply to me.
"To answer some of your questions in point form:
'You said that you saw bitterness in me, how?'
BITTERNESS...yes there is that there. If we despise or are so deeply angered by another person that we are having trouble even being around them, there is bitterness there. When we are angry at the actions of others and that anger seethes for years that anger, hurt and frustration naturally turns to bitterness. You cannot change others but you can choose to deal with this anger, frustration and yes, bitterness in yourself.
'How can I just erase 30 years of hell from my mind when I don't understand any of it, am I just an idiot??'
Erasing 30 years is not an option. You cannot erase it, it is part of WHO YOU ARE. You do not have to go back to being abused...YOU DO NOT. That is not an option. Trust has been violated and it must be healed...but there needs to be a WILLINGNESS to start healing.
You are NOT an IDIOT, you are NOT useless, you are NOT beyond HELP and HOPE. There are things that CANNOT BE MADE RIGHT and we have to just GET PAST THEM.
Beating up yourself is just another way of escape.
Pastor"
I had alot to think about.
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