Chapter 14

Gary had started spending a lot of money on books, clothes for himself and whatever else caught his eye.  It made me so upset to see him going around with expensive new coats while I shopped for myself and the kids at the Salvation Army.  I was already using my child-tax credit cheque each month for food.  He decided that I would be responsible to pay the power bill as well!  So I needed to find a way to earn money and still be home.  My piano students wouldn't provide enough for that bill.  So I started taking children in to babysit.  Elizabeth was 4 at the time and didn't like sharing me with anybody else, but she as well as everyone learned to adjust.

During the summer Gary was working days.  One evening he came home and I had supper waiting but I never ate.  I hadn't been feeling well all day and around supper I started having bad pains in my stomach.  After I got the kids into bed for the night I asked him if I could have the car to go up to the hospital.

After blood work and an exam I was told that I was having a miscarriage.  I hadn't even known that I was pregnant!  I was devastated.  They kept me for a few hours to make sure the bleeding didn't get to heavy.  Those few hours was the only time I gave in and grieved for my lost baby.  I knew that if Gary found out it would somehow end up being my fault.  I knew that I couldn't bear the blame for my own baby's death.

By the time I got home this event had been put with the others in the dark recesses of my mind, not to be thought of again.  Gary was in bed when I got home and never did ask me what the problem had been.  Life continued on, but deep inside I knew a little piece of my heart had broken and I wouldn't be the same again.

My Little One

Little heart beating softly,
Underneath my heart so safe;
But your life was not to be,
You had a different fate.
You left before I got to see,
The color of your eyes;
Before your fingers curled round mine,
Silently, you died.
I never got to smile at you,
Or nibble on your toes;
Never played peek-a-boo,
I never kissed your little nose.
I never sang a lullaby,
Or rocked you in the dark;
I never got to hear you laugh,
Or take you to the park.
You never got to sit by yourself,
And play with a favorite toy;
I never even got to know,
If you were a baby girl or boy.
I never got to watch with pride,
Your first wobbly little step;
Or feel your arms around my neck,
And your kisses soft and wet.
You never got a baby book,
Filled with memories so sweet;
A book that I could open,
And to baby days retreat.
God for reasons all His own,
Took you from my loving care;
But I know that you're with Him,
In that Land over there.
Someday I'll step on Heaven's shore,
Eternity begun,
But until that day arrives,
God, please hold my little one.

Food slowly became more than just a tool to try to keep Gary away from me.  It became something that I craved to help ease the pain, loneliness, fear and hopelessness that had become my existence.  It brought a sense of comfort I couldn't find anywhere else, and was a way to release pent-up tension that raged in me.

I was slowly gaining weight, which in turn brought more remarks and hurtful comments and actions from Gary...which in turn made me eat...I think you can see the pattern that formed.

Some of the things that Gary wanted me to do at night became more difficult as I gained weight.  I always hoped that he would tire of trying to force me to do things.  But he just became angrier because I wasn't being a "submissive wife".  I dreaded the nights.  How can you get a restful nights sleep when you knew the minute you stirred in your sleep the unpleasantness and pain would begin?

Those years were also very hard financially.  There seemed to never be enough money for food or bills.  Mom would show up at times with boxes of food from her church and friends.  Ladies from our own church would come by with bags of groceries.

Gary began making me go to the Food Bank.  He didn't want to suffer the embarrassment of receiving this kind of help, so he sent me!  One time in particular stands out in my mind.  Josiah had come with me to help carry the bags.  When we got home he started emptying the bags on the kitchen floor.  Everything he took out made him more excited.  When the last bag was empty he looked around him at all the food on the floor and said, "Mommy, God sent us all my favorite food, we need to say thank you!" My little boys simple sweet faith taught me a valuable lesson that day.  There was always something to be thankful for!  I still felt a sense of failure that I couldn't provide for my children properly but over time I learned to be thankful for wherever the help came from.

One major battle I fought continuously was with Gary's mother.  She favored Josiah over Elizabeth and did nothing to hide this, even from Elizabeth!  A few times Elizabeth asked me why Grammie didn't like her as much as Josiah!

She would show up at the house with expensive toys and clothes for Josiah and bring Elizabeth nothing, or as in one case, brought her a bar of soap!  That day I became outraged at her treatment of Elizabeth.  I took the new Supersoaker water gun away from Josiah and threw it back at her along with the bar of soap.  I told her that she was never to bring anything for Josiah again UNLESS Elizabeth was the recipient of something just as nice.  My poor daughter still thinks at times that she isn't as good as her brother and it breaks my heart.

Gary would insist that his mother babysit for us and I hated it.  She would go through all my cupboards and our bedroom while we were out.  Then she would tell the rest of the family what a horrible housekeeper I was.  A lot of bitterness and anger began building in my heart against this woman.